Let's Focus on Life!

“The Imnternational Olympic Committee announced Monday that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama.

Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has ever gone downhill faster than he has.”

Author unknown

 Bush to be honored by the Obama Administration In a reconciliatory move by the Obama administration, the president has asked the U. S. Board on Geographical Names to name the fault line beneath Haiti after the 43rd president of the United States, George W. Bush. This particular fracture in the tectonic plate will henceforth be called

“Bush’s Fault.”

An elderly gentleman 

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% 
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’ 
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. 
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

Two elderly gentlemen 

 Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’ 
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’ 
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’ 
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

An elderly couple 

 An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.’ 
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’ 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? 
You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’ 
‘Do you mean a rose?’ 
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

Couple in their nineties 

 A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks. 
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’ 
‘Sure..’ 
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks. 
‘No, I can remember it..’ 
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’ 
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’ 
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks. 
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’ 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment and asks: 
‘Where’s my toast?’

For more funny anecdotes, click on the button or the link listed here. Experts have discovered that humor can be used as medicine and to preserve a positive attitude towards life. Let’s not forget that an once of prevention is worth a pound of cure. http://sdaforum.com/page5.html .

McDonald Employee’s IQ

My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter..

She said, ‘You gave me too much money.’

I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.’ She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.’  The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

No more Mcdonals’s hamburgers for me!

Sears Repairman’s Expertise

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two..’

We haven’t used Sears repair since!

Small Town Resident’s Reasoning Power

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too  many deer are being hit by cars out
here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

Fortunately, this happened in Ontario!

Taco Bell Employee’s Sophistication

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I will ask for cabbage next time!

*Item submitted by Jorge Heyde

“This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’ The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!  

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest. “Only in America.” No wonder the rest of the world thinks we are a bunch of nuts!”

“A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She reduces her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The man consults his portable GPS and replies, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.” She rolls her eyes and says, “You must be a Republican!” “I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answers the balloonist, “everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’re not much help to me.” The man smiles and responds, “You must be a Democrat.” “I am,” replies the balloonist. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”" … Source: http://wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=98777

“An old widower lived alone and wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work , as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa.

A few days later, he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie. At 4 a.m. FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie. …” Source:  http://wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=100018